Today is one of those days where the sun mocks my mild misfortunes and the beautiful day exists to remind me I am not truly enjoying it. What does it mean to have a frustrating day when I value gratitude as the lens of life?

The weather is so beautiful, the birds are chirping, the trees are blooming! My apartment building smells like literal ass, I realized I was out of eggs after making the rest of my breakfast, and setting up this blog will be the end of my soul.

Maybe I am hungry, maybe I’m over exaggerating. But today has sucked and the gratitude that I try to find in most other days has evaporated to somewhat of a cold contempt.

In this contempt I am finding a sliver of joy or maybe a sliver of acceptance.

I am allowing myself to be angry and annoyed and frustrated. I don’t need to love every day for the fear of losing its meaning. Today has been a bad day. So I am in a bad mood. However it does feel a little silly to dedicate an entire blog post to my tumultuous emotional state so to lighten the mood I wanted to share an excerpt from Mary Oliver’s Upstream.

Right now I do feel a bit like a snapping turtle. My jaw aches with desire to spill every negative feeling in my body out into the world. I am itching to snap at the world with the power of the snapping turtles.

As spring slowly descends into my life again, I feel the sleep leaving my body and mind that warmed me through the cold winter. I again feel the connection to the snapping turtle’s slow and effortful return to spring.

I too feel like I am on the surface of the pond, floating in a lonely exhaustion. Today I didn’t feel worthy of April, of the blooming world around me. Tomorrow I hope to float a little less and swim a little bit more.

However, as I find constantly in Mary Oliver’s writing, I cannot control nature but learn to move through it. If tomorrow comes and the same exhaustion weighs me down, I will remind myself of the snapping turtle. Of the excitement still to come.

Regretfully, lovingly, and confusingly,


By tsilbs

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